Obligations

On my last trip to Morocco I spent time in Casablanca and Rabat.

My time in Casablanca was stressful, as I had to ask a university fisheries scientist to give back the money my organization had granted him, as he had not fulfilled the terms of his research project.

The Rabat part of my tirp was much more pleasant, as I spent time visiting Morocco’s main government sponsored fisheries research organization. My host was the director and his hospitality was generous. He and a colleague entertained me at lunch—in a restaurant with a branch in Montreal—and in his home for dinner, where I met a visiting official from the European Commission. I was introduced to his wife, who served us dinner but didn’t join us.

My host’s choice of a restaurant with a branch in Montreal and the invitation to his home were not coincidental.  Over the course of the evening, which featured a delicious couscous accompanied by an excellent  Moroccan red wine,  my host mentioned that his wife and children would be visiting Montreal during the summer months and  he’d   be grateful if he could give her my phone number.  I gave him the numbers and, a couple of months later, after arriving in Montreal, his wife called.

I took her call and said I was busy.

Once again, what was bred in the bone came out:  I responded in the manner of my culture—and to be sure, my gender.  I did not reciprocate the hospitality that had been shown to me over the course of a two day official visit to Rabat. (Please be assured dear reader, I matured and acquired a few social skills.)  Thinking about my behavior during that mission to Morocco still embarrasses me.

Once again, the explanation is both straight forward, as noted above, and complex, as outlined below.

We are all--every one of us –part of a sticky web of relationships, reciprocal arrangements—dyads, triads, pentangular connections and even Escher like structures. These arrangements confer obligations and expectations upon us even before we master the lingua franca of our existence. By the time we understand them---and some of us never do—it’s too late. 

Often it seems that we can’t separate ourselves from the cultural roots that anchor us. Creating and nurturing interpersonal relationships and networks of people is part of our emotional DNA. The labyrinthine system of interlocking relationships we are all part of reminds me of a line from the Eagles’ song, Hotel California:  “…you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.”  

Compared to other national groups, Americans, Canadians, Brits and Germans— the first and last of which are considered  the most individualistic—the rest of the world’s cultures put a great deal of effort into creating relationships, practicing social reciprocity and managing obligations.

In most of the world, Asia, Africa and Latin American for example, the process goes way beyond ensuring that you reciprocate a dinner invitation or a kids’ play date and it also involves avoiding creating obligations for people who may not be able to afford reciprocation. I live in southern New England, the home of Yankee Individualism and self sufficiency. Going it alone is a time-honored tradition in these parts.

Meeting, creating and managing personal obligations, be they at work or at home, is a highly choreographed dance, the steps to which all  culture-crossing travelers would do well to learn and practice.